Fear ridden toilet

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He sits on the toilet.  The sun barely peeking over the horizon.  Shorts around his ankles, his face buried in his hands.  Brushing his hands through his hair, sitting up,  shoulders back.  “I can do this!” He could hear the doubt, moreover feel it in his body.  The ton of self doubt glistening rocks sinking and weighing down not only his stomach but his spirit too. The lump of fear clogging his throat, that locked away his confidence.  “I can do this! Fake it til you make it, right?” Pulling up his shorts, standing tall, flushing the toilet along with his dreams. His shoulders deflat. He now stands clutching the bathroom counter and facing himself in the mirror. He stared into the stranger’s eyes.  Questioning the wrinkle ridden face. Who was this man?  Where had the man he known gone?  Shifting his gaze down, softly leaving his lips, “no I can’t. “

Dear Dad

Hey Dad,

I can’t believe it has been 8 years.  Can you?  Do you even have time where you are?  Well, I miss you like hell!  Today is the day of the year, every year for the last 8 years I am reminded that you left.  Suddenly, tragically and all alone.  That breaks my heart.  But I know you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.  You didn’t want to die of illness, sickness or disease.  You fought aging.  You hated it.  Your body breaking down, becoming weaker.  You didn’t want to burden your children. You wouldn’t have been a burden.

On the bright side.  Your daughters are talking again.  We have a relationship.  Not a close as we were but we talk and email and we are in each others’ lives.  Her children are beautiful.  She is an amazing photographer.  One of her pictures is going to be displayed!  I need to see her more.  It’s important.  She is even going to take pictures for me and my business partner.  How cool is that?  Oh, I didn’t mention, her and her family are in Colorado now.  But I have a feeling you knew that.

Your eldest grandchild is amazing.  She is 21 now!  She trying to find her voice and herself.  I know when she does she will move mountains.  But we’ve always know that about her.

Well, I just wanted to say hi and i miss you terribly.

love you!

Dreams of Past

dreaming

Dreaming of you always unnerves me

Upon waking I still feel your presence

As if you are still here

A longing, a missing, a sadness

A joy and a happiness

that at least I am visited

at least I am with you

when I sleep

Soul traveling

I have no doubt we are connected

Lifetime upon lifetime

Thank you for visiting

If it is only still while I sleep

And just so you know

and you remember

I remember you

I think of you

I miss you too

and yes I still love you