Writing

Emma and Loki

And I am feeling lost. Staring at my computer. The words have left, taken their ball and gone home. And here I sit and stare. This is nothing new. All writers know this. And I feel the push, the drive to create something brilliant and insecurity that simmers under the surface saying, “it will be crap.” And so I sit and stare. Lost in my circle. Create. I can’t. I have to. It’ll suck. Time slowly ticking. And I sit and stare. All the characters that I danced with yesterday, even during breakfast, have moved on with their day, gone to their jobs, met their lovers at seedy hotels, boarded airplanes for paradise. And I sit and stare. Tick tock goes the clock. Eyes fade and the screen is a blur of white like staring into the sun. Trying to fight time, like a boxer trying to get the last punch in before the bell. Trying to find inspiration, like an artist sees the world. I look over my outlines. Over my ideas. My list of projects. And nothing comes. Time has stopped like watching the clock on the last of day of school before summer vacation. Eternity has set in. My mind wanders like a leaf in the wind. My creative gone and forgotten like a prisoner on death row.  So, I sit and stare. Force myself to wait. To be patient. Like a child waiting for mailman. Like a dog waiting for dinner. Like people waiting for the bus. I know it will come. I just have to wait. Patiently.

Little lost goth girl

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Little lost goth girl

Drowning in her hair

Swallowed by the black

Held by the harsh guitar sounds and banging drums

Seen in her drawings

Come to me, inspire me, allow me to see, to be and recreate

Reason to believe

wishing

Love

She exists.  Even if she is a faint memory.  She is always there.  Watching.  Waiting.  Wishing.  She is the angel you forget about.  The angel you cling to.  Because at the end of everyday, there are those who love unconditionally.  Those who make the world a better place.  And then there are those who eagerly await your return.  All because of love.  She is there.  She is always there.  Sometimes, you just have to look.

Want to read more, check out the daily post!

Waiting- part of the very short story series

Her hands were sweaty. Her heart raced. Her stomach turned its empty contents. Her thoughts spun a million magnificent webs, none of which reflected rays of reality. There she sat, staring out the window. Questioning herself. Doubting herself. Fingers tapping the table. Legs bouncing. Watching the people rush by. Wishing at this moment, she could be one of them. One of the million people hurrying elsewhere. She wanted to be anywhere but here. She felt sick. Her empty stomach revolting. The feelings crawling up into her throat. Was the bathroom close? Swallowing it all down. Waiting and wishing she had said no.

whisper part 2

It was like a long lost friend. This whisper. The whisper that promised her the world. How could she refuse. The years of suffering. The years of pain. It promised her the one thing she couldn’t achieve on her own. Relief. She dreamt of relief. Contemplated suicide. A way out. She hated herself for being too weak to take easy way out. She lived with her demons. They never left her. And now, there was a whisper of hope. An escape. Anything to get away from the way she felt.

Tired of numbing the pain. Hiding from it was futile. It always caught her.

Naked a very short story

Laying naked on the cold tile floor. The coolness from the tiles against her damp skin. Her body too weak to move. She enjoyed the feeling of the cold tiles against her skin. It was real. Perhaps the only real thing. She could cling to this. This feeling. The feeling of wet skin against cold tile. She could enjoy this moment. This moment. This brief moment which offered relief. Relief from life. From suffering. Relief from thoughts, feelings. The world. She laid there, relishing in the feeling. Her cold wet skin again the cold tile as her skin began to prickle and her body shivered. This feeling. This feeling for a moment stopped everything else. Until slowly, everything started to invade her world again. Sirens. Voices. Madness. If only she could hold on a minute longer. A second longer. It was too late. Life had made its way back to her. She opened her eyes. Stared at the door. Wishing somehow she could sink into the floor. Disappear. Vanish. She could hear the footsteps approaching. She forced herself up. Grabbed a towel and begin to do what she did best. Pretend.

overload

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Today of all days I wish I felt numb

experienced nothing

no emotion

no feelings

nothingness

but i don’t

i feel everything

amplified

I need a surge protector

to block

to protect

the bombardment of emotion flooding me

And in this tsunami

i can’t find the ground

or embrace reality

out of touch and overwhelmed

the anesthesia has worn off

I am naked

exposed

and vulnerable

be gentle

for this soul is breaking

it’s cracking

my cocoon wide open

butterfly

Therapy Thursday- Boundaries, A Personal Tale

This week I had an eye opening reminder about boundaries.

forbidden gate
My friend and business partner, excited about the new year and all the possibilities. Decided to begin networking to improve business. Full of energy, boiling over, we went to our first networking event. We were pumped. We are going to meet people, make connections and get business! We met a nice, super friendly lady who seemed to be on our same page. She had a mission to help women feel good about themselves. Yes, us too! She was passionate about incorporating mind, body and soul in her work. Right on! Us too! After the meeting we exchanged information and set a date to get to know each other better or so (me and my friend) thought. I should have listened to that nagging feeling in the back ground. That feeling that said something feels off here. I ignored it, my friend was so excited. It must just be me. How often do we do this to ourselves? Ignore our hunches, our gut feelings because someone else does not validate them. (This is a whole other issue and will definitely be covered in future Therapy Thursday because it is something I have struggled with my entire life. If I am not validated it must not be real. Bullshit. Okay back to the story).

concrete fence
Later that week before we met, she sent us her “release form.” Makes sense, she’s a fitness instruction, it’s a release form. Next red flag, why was she sending us a release for to get to know each other? I passed it off as she was going to demonstrate some of the stuff she does with clients. Again ignoring that uncomfortable feeling that sat in my stomach. Then I read the release form. This was no release form, that was a therapy intake form. It was way more personal than my intake form. Another red flag, ignored. I didn’t fill it out. Neither did my friend.

fall day
The day comes we arrive to meet her. She’s running late, had to stop and get tea. Next red flag. You don’t honor my time. Again, I passed it off. She’s busy. Still making excuses. We go into her studio. She is visibly upset that we didn’t feel out her form. She goes with it. Starts diving into the questions. What is my soul’s mission, purpose? How do I know? Where do I feel it? Where am I stuck? Why? On and on. She pushes us to divulge to her. Where does it sit in our bodies? How does it feel? Move your body this way, that way. My friend and I were both uncomfortable. But we went with it. Ignoring the feelings that something is wrong. “You aren’t being vulnerable enough with me?” I didn’t say anything. Inside I am screaming, “I don’t even know you. I don’t expect my clients to go this deep with my, until they are ready. I don’t force them.” My friend jumps to my defense. “She is very vulnerable when you get to know her.” The lady goes on. “You come from an alcoholic family.” Again I am screaming inside. “Whoa. You need to chill.” Still I went with it. When the interrogation was done, she showed us a couple moves (we did some squats) and then she began to pressure us to buy her 90 day program to bring our dreams to life. She did not want to take no for an answer. She pushed and pushed. We kept saying that we couldn’t. Finally we said we’d get back to her. Before we left she gave us each a hug that felt like forever. Not a quick goodbye hug. A lingering hug. Again leaving me feeling very uncomfortable.

building 4
Needless to say, we left there feeling violated. We felt taken advantage of.
Oh but it doesn’t stop there. That night she texted and emailed us, claiming how excited she was to work with us. How much she could help us. The next day, I emailed her back declining her offer. We haven’t heard back from her. Finally, set the boundary. She couldn’t accept it. She didn’t get what she wanted. Isn’t that why people push boundaries? To fill their needs, their agendas, to get what they want. I get it. We want to be nice. Be a team player. But not when it comprises us.
I learned I need to listen to that little voice that told me something was off. Second, we allowed her to cross our boundaries. We did not set firm boundaries with her. We let her run the show and run all over us. When we felt uncomfortable we needed to say something or leave.

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Has this happened to you?
So, what can we do?
1. Listen to yourself. If you feel uncomfortable. You are feeling it for a good reason. Check in with this feeling.
2. Say something. If someone crosses your boundaries. Say something, let them know they have gone too far. That they need to back off.
3. If they continue to disrespect your boundaries or you don’t feel you can say anything, leave. It’s them, not you.
What are some other ways you set boundaries?

Cracks

Hoping to turn this into a cool drawing/painting.  Will post when it’s finished but for now here is the poem.

C r a c k s

           The ugly seeping through

bleeding

             out

                   infecting

                                 everything

Bandaids

glue

VICE GRIPS

struggling to hide

                          PRETEND

fading into the background

                                         swallowing

                                                         the

                                                               pain

It started with a whisper

                                    a HOPE

                                     a

                                      way

                                      out

She surrendered

to weak

            to fight

EAGER

             to escape

She TRUSTed

numbing peace consuming

I am Lost

The Wall

I’m feeling ill
Or lost
Maybe both
Thought I figured it out
Mapped and planned
I fell
Tripped
And didn’t get back up
I watched
The world pass by
Sitting on the cold cement
They passed by
Dreams
Ambitions
Held down by fear
And doubt
Feet soaking in
Puddles
I fell and decided to slip
Away
Allowed myself to be distracted
To accept
Silenced
I fell