Witness protection

As the nerves slowly take over and I can no longer function

I concentrate to keep my body from revolting

It takes everything not to scream and run for the door

My mind begins to wander with a million what if disaster scenarios

And I am brought back to myself

my fears washed away when my eyes meet those familiar eyes

I am blessed with the all reassuring smile

that confirms everything will be okay

What more?  Check out the daily post

Fear ridden toilet

image

He sits on the toilet.  The sun barely peeking over the horizon.  Shorts around his ankles, his face buried in his hands.  Brushing his hands through his hair, sitting up,  shoulders back.  “I can do this!” He could hear the doubt, moreover feel it in his body.  The ton of self doubt glistening rocks sinking and weighing down not only his stomach but his spirit too. The lump of fear clogging his throat, that locked away his confidence.  “I can do this! Fake it til you make it, right?” Pulling up his shorts, standing tall, flushing the toilet along with his dreams. His shoulders deflat. He now stands clutching the bathroom counter and facing himself in the mirror. He stared into the stranger’s eyes.  Questioning the wrinkle ridden face. Who was this man?  Where had the man he known gone?  Shifting his gaze down, softly leaving his lips, “no I can’t. “

Rambling failure and flight

The flux of energy. The desire to create. To do nothing. It ebbs and flows. Leaving me feeling vulnerable and exposed. I am not sure what to do. I feel like I have to do something. Create something. Get clients. So I sit and stare at my screen. Check social media. I want to create something. I scroll through my writing. I am uninspired and stuck. Feel like I am sinking. Slowly without a life vest or anyone to rescue me. I feel like time it ticking. Ticking away in my ear. The voices scream in my head. Create something. Make something. Sell something. Get off your ass, get going. Share your ideas with the world. Stop procrastinating. Stop pretending. Stop stalling. Don’t they see that I am empty? That I have lost my voice. My ideas. My will to share. My everything. Time is tickling. Ego is counting. What do I have to show? Nothing. What am I? Nothing. Get clients. Network. Market. I have done so much of that that I want to give up. Feel like I have sold my soul. And still no movement. Consult my intuition. My cards. Change is coming. Release. If I release anymore, I am afraid I will be nothing. I will disappear. Maybe I have to disappear to find myself? Maybe I have to disappear, to die, to be reborn? I am willing. I am ready. I am stuck. Nothingness is invading my body, my soul. I am slipping away into depression. Into the blackness. The ideas that I cannot, will not achieve my dreams, that I am unworthy. Who wants to listen to me anyways? The spark trying to stay lit. The spark trying to grow brighter. The ideas waiting to be birthed. And I stop. I sit. I distract. I pretend. I ignore. I am lost. I am fading. I am drowning. I am drifting. Why can’t I? Why won’t I? My ideas stop and I die. My ideas fade and I disappear. Where am I going? Who am I? Where is the light? Trust they say. Ride the waves. Pray. Take space. Solitude. Serenity. Surrender. Why do I fight this? Why do I challenge? I release I release I release. Burn it in the fire. Give it to the wind. Let the waves wash over me. Feel the sunshine. Bask in life’s glory. Look at the stars. Sit in nature. Pick myself up. Collect my thoughts, pick of the pieces, feed the fire and start over again.

My shadow

night walk

What lurks behind me?
Deep inside?
Those pieces I thought I buried
Left in the hills
In my childhood house
Hid away in the closet
What creeps in the corners of my consciousness?
Just out of view, so I just can’t see
What is that I hid from?
Run from?
Pretend doesn’t exist
What skeletons?
What monsters?
Do I dare not unleash
Free from the cages in my mind
Locked away
Threw the key in the lake, tied it down with a brick
You’ll never know
I’ll never tell
Safer for me and safer for you
If you never know
Never touched
Never saw
my shadow

keeper of my secrets

of that which I refuse to accept

to know

the dark pieces of me

buried deep inside

don’t ask them to come out and play

shadows lurk

Shadows

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They play with me

toy with me

I think I might be loosing it

creeping in

invading my space

my mind

moving

changing

hiding

what lurks in the shadows?

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What is out to get it me?

Steal my thoughts

My soul

Watching and waiting

no escape

shadows stalking sanity

slipping

sleep call

shadows eating

Piece by piece I fade into darkness

Full moon swing

Therapy Thursday- A Ritual for Fear

I can’t believe I forgot to add this last week.  It is a beautiful way to help you release and work through fear.  You might have to do it a few times.  Sometimes fear needs a bit more acknowledgment.  You can do this ritual before or after working through the steps to release fear.

Sit down someplace quiet where you won’t be disturbed.

Get some paper, markers, crayons, pens, etc.

Light a candle, play some music if you want.

Start writing everything you are afraid of.  And I mean everything.  If you think you’ve got it all.  Keep going.  Don’t stop.  Let it all out.  Everything you are afraid of, people think you have ugly toes, people laugh at you, you are no good, bad hair days, death, accidents.  When I say everything.  I mean everything.  Nothing is trivial here.  It’s all important.  Keep going.  If you stop.  Take a minute and then go again.  Until you finally feel emptier and lighter.  If you don’t feel this, it’s okay.

If you feel like it, cross things out, scribble things out.  Feel the energy of release.

Now rip up your paper with intention.  You are no longer fear’s prisoner.  Rip that paper up with purpose.

Go to your fireplace, BBQ, a fire proof bowl.  You are going to light the paper on fire.  If it feels right, say, “I am of this no more.”  or “I release you.”  “You no longer have power over me.”  Say whatever feels right to release the fear.  If nothing comes.  Then just let the paper burn.

If you can gather your ashes, do so.  Please don’t burn yourself, wait til they are cool.  Spread the ashes in nature.

Have you done something like this?  Did it work?  I would love to hear if you have tried this or if you do this what your experience is.

Therapy Thursday- fear and anxiety (on a personal level)

I was going to blog more about releasing fear when one of her friends visited me today.  Anxiety.  Yes, Anxiety and I go way back.  She loves to feed fear and fear loves to feed anxiety.

I work on my stuff all the time.  I feel it is my duty as a therapist.  To know my stuff and to be constantly working on it so I can provide with best therapy experience for the people I serve.  Lately, I have been working through fear.  My fear of success, failure, not being enough, being judged, and rejected.  Just when I think I’ve got myself to a point were I am making progress the universe (in her wisdom and not funny at the time humor) tests me.  Have I really removed the blocks?  Who said removing blocks would be easy.  Don’t I work with clients on how often times when we solve one problem it can manifest in another way?

Anyways, I get a referral from someone I respect greatly in the psychic community.  I also do intuitive work.  I get the call from the person she referred me to, an owner of a night club needing a tarot reader for two nights.  He leaves a message and it’s broken up.  I can barely understand him.  I start to feel the anxiety creep in.  “Oh God, I can’t do this.  I am not ready.  I am not good enough.  What if they see me as a fraud.  I don’t have the right clothes.”  I talk to my boyfriend and he says I should at least call they guy back.  I do and I’m not sure if my message goes through, and so I text him.  And here I sit waiting.

As I wait, I realize that a huge part of my fears are fed by my anxiety.  That I do the work with my fear and forget to tend to anxiety.  Of course she would be jealous.  Dreams get attention, wishes get attention.  Fear gets attention.  And here anxiety sits in the corner.  No wonder she has been getting louder.  She needs just as much love as the rest do. I start working on my fear steps (I blogged about them last week) and I invite her in.  She just wants to make sure that everything is okay.  She is the mother protecting her child.

How can you help ease your anxiety?

1. Acknowledge it.

2. Slow down.  Before anxiety takes over.  Take some deep breathes.  Just like with fear.  Breathe into those spaces that anxiety likes to hang out.  Take as long as you need.  Just sit and breath, deeply.  Until you feel yourself relax.  Do a body scan if needed.

3. Ask anxiety what it wants but don’t let it run away with you.  When anxiety starts with the what if’s.  You know, what if this happens, what if that happens.  You got to meet anxiety there.  Answering back, “What if that happens?  What if this happens?”  This can be a scary step, going into the what ifs.  The beautiful thing about what if’s is that they are just that.  What ifs.  We are excellent at psyching ourselves out. You are listening to the what if’s because you are going to give them a rebuttal.  You are going to give them a believable argument about why the what if is work.  Just like an excellent attorney defending it’s client.  Look at my case.  What if they think I’m a fraud?  Then they think it.  I cannot change their opinion.  I can improve my craft or decide that I don’t want to do group events anymore.  What if I am rejected?  Is the end of the world?  What if I am rejected by a group of strangers, how does it really affect me.  I still know people who love me and accept me for who I am.  What if I am not good enough?  Maybe their expectations were too high.  Maybe I need more practice.

4.  Let anxiety know, everything will be okay.  You can and will get through this.  That you have what it takes.  You are enough.  Give anxiety believable reasons why everything will be okay.

Extra step:  This works for me.  I distract myself.  I get busy.  I don’t anxiety take over.  I acknowledge her, give her space but I don’t let her run the show.  And sometimes that means doing something else.  Taking my mind off what is causing the anxiety until I feel calm and go back with a clear, relaxed head to reassure anxiety that everything will be okay.

Hope this helps.  What works for you?

P.S.  Shortly I will be posting a fear release ritual.

Therapy Thursday- Fear

I don’t know about you but fear and insecurity seem to be a huge hump in my life. I continually find myself bumping up against them. I also have been finding fear coming up for the people around me. I love how the universe is master at reflecting back to us where we need to do work on ourselves to help others. Here are some tips I have learned along the way to help with fear.

  1. You have to acknowledge it. Sometimes, even this step is scary and hard. But fear isn’t going anywhere until you acknowledge it. The fear is here to tell you something. It’s here for a reason. Trust its timing.
  2. Where is the fear in your body? Take time to feel where you are holding it. I tend to hold fear in my neck, shoulders and stomach.
  3. Breathe into that space with love and compassion. Take your time. Take deep loving breathes into that space. If needed ground yourself first.
  4. Start asking the fear questions
    1. What does it want?
    2. What’s its message/purpose?
    3. Get clear and specific on what exactly the fear is trying to tell you. (For some meditation helps here, don’t censor any images, thoughts, feelings, beliefs that come to you. Let them come to you.)
  5. Listen with compassion. Don’t judge your fear; just let it tell you what’s going on.
  6. Work with the fear.
    1. What can you do to ease the fear?
    2. What makes the fear feel okay?
  7. Give examples of people who have what you want.
  8. What have you learned from your fear, what insight have you gained and what do you now understand about your fear?
  9. How can you affirm and remember what you have learned to be true and possible? (Quotes are great. As well as, affirmations, remember with affirmations you have to believe them. If you don’t believe it when you say your affirmation work with it until it feels believable. Take from what your fear said would make it feel okay.)
  10. Thank your fear.

Example: Suzie is a writer who is terrified of rejection so she never shares her writing, keeping it locked away. She wants more than anything to be a successful writer. Here are the steps in actions.

  1. First she accepts that she is afraid.
  2. Suzie feels the fear in her stomach, like she is going to throw up at the thought of someone reading her work and saying something bad about it.
  3. Suzie sits for a moment and breathes into the her stomach. Sending it compassion and love.
  4. Next she gets clarity. She asks her fear what do you want, what’s your message, your purpose.

Her fear tells her that it is afraid that people who read her work won’t like it and that means they won’t like her. Furthermore her fear tells her that if people don’t like her writing she is no good and worthless. Her dream of being a bestselling author is over.

  1. Suzie listens to her fear, she doesn’t stop it. She just listens.
  2. Suzie asks her fear what can she do to help her fear, ease her fear and make the fear feel okay.

Listening Suzie fears tells her to go slowly. Start by sharing her work with trusted friends and family. Then if they like it to move to a blog or writing group.

  1. Next Suzie finds writers who have what she wants. People who are making a living at writing.
  2. Suzie reflects on her fear and learns that she is afraid of being judged and rejected.
  3. Suzie finds quotes that support her dream of being a writer. As well as, writing a couple of affirmations that she believes to help her. I am worthy (I create myself worth, not the opinions of others). I am a writer.
  4. She thanks her fear.

Day 2- Write Yourself Alive- Today

Today’s prompt is to write a day in my life.  It ended up half poem and half story.

Hooray

old king cole

It’s Friday

Mercury is in retro grade

The day has

Ebbed

And flowed

I struggle to evolve

To grow

And change

As I step into a new role

Shedding my skin

Fear creeps in

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Again and again

Sometimes as self doubt

Sometimes as defeating exclamations of impossibilities

I refocus

Remind myself of my dreams

Wait? What are they again?

Too big? Too small?

Insecurity wallows

My soul is screaming

Its shouting

Closing my eyes

Taking a deep breath

Walk with the fear

Embrace it

Listen to it

Baby it

Like two children ready to go outside

One excited and raring to go

The other timid, withdrawn and scared

The excited child takes the hand of the scared child

“Don’t worry. I’ll wait. I’ll listen. We can go at your pace. I know. It’s a big world. It’s vast and full of promise.” Seeing the fear in the scared child’s eyes. “Yes, it is scary too. We might fall. We might get hurt. But we will never know unless we leave the house. Don’t worry. We can always come back inside. Where you feel safe. I promise I will listen to you. Walk with you. Comfort you. If you promise you will try with me. Go with me. Together. We can conquer the world.”

The scared child looks into the eyes of the excited child. How can she say no. How can she resist the passion, the drive, the ambition in the excited child? She wants to say no. Return to her room, hid under the covers. But deep down inside, she knows she needs to move forward. Slowly. Step by step. And yes, when they fall and they will. Together they will get up and keep moving forward.

She reaches out her hand. Grasps the hand of the excited child tightly, never wanting to let go. The excited child smiles, ready to run when she feels the tug and together they walk out the door.

My fear and my ambition together, moving forward. Working through issues. Defining myself and my passions. Ready to jump but still standing at the edge. This was my day.

San Diego, CA