I can’t stand me

halloween

I can’t me…..

when my ego runs wild, doing it’s best to convince me of all the ways I am broken, lost, damage, no good, not worthy.  Feeding my fears, insecurity by insecurity.  Unrelentless judgment (of everyone and everything) Ridicule.  Shame and guilt.  She’s can be cruel and heartless.  The constant reminders of all the reasons why I must do and be and on and on she goes…

That’s when I can’t stand me.

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Rambling failure and flight

The flux of energy. The desire to create. To do nothing. It ebbs and flows. Leaving me feeling vulnerable and exposed. I am not sure what to do. I feel like I have to do something. Create something. Get clients. So I sit and stare at my screen. Check social media. I want to create something. I scroll through my writing. I am uninspired and stuck. Feel like I am sinking. Slowly without a life vest or anyone to rescue me. I feel like time it ticking. Ticking away in my ear. The voices scream in my head. Create something. Make something. Sell something. Get off your ass, get going. Share your ideas with the world. Stop procrastinating. Stop pretending. Stop stalling. Don’t they see that I am empty? That I have lost my voice. My ideas. My will to share. My everything. Time is tickling. Ego is counting. What do I have to show? Nothing. What am I? Nothing. Get clients. Network. Market. I have done so much of that that I want to give up. Feel like I have sold my soul. And still no movement. Consult my intuition. My cards. Change is coming. Release. If I release anymore, I am afraid I will be nothing. I will disappear. Maybe I have to disappear to find myself? Maybe I have to disappear, to die, to be reborn? I am willing. I am ready. I am stuck. Nothingness is invading my body, my soul. I am slipping away into depression. Into the blackness. The ideas that I cannot, will not achieve my dreams, that I am unworthy. Who wants to listen to me anyways? The spark trying to stay lit. The spark trying to grow brighter. The ideas waiting to be birthed. And I stop. I sit. I distract. I pretend. I ignore. I am lost. I am fading. I am drowning. I am drifting. Why can’t I? Why won’t I? My ideas stop and I die. My ideas fade and I disappear. Where am I going? Who am I? Where is the light? Trust they say. Ride the waves. Pray. Take space. Solitude. Serenity. Surrender. Why do I fight this? Why do I challenge? I release I release I release. Burn it in the fire. Give it to the wind. Let the waves wash over me. Feel the sunshine. Bask in life’s glory. Look at the stars. Sit in nature. Pick myself up. Collect my thoughts, pick of the pieces, feed the fire and start over again.

My shadow

night walk

What lurks behind me?
Deep inside?
Those pieces I thought I buried
Left in the hills
In my childhood house
Hid away in the closet
What creeps in the corners of my consciousness?
Just out of view, so I just can’t see
What is that I hid from?
Run from?
Pretend doesn’t exist
What skeletons?
What monsters?
Do I dare not unleash
Free from the cages in my mind
Locked away
Threw the key in the lake, tied it down with a brick
You’ll never know
I’ll never tell
Safer for me and safer for you
If you never know
Never touched
Never saw
my shadow

keeper of my secrets

of that which I refuse to accept

to know

the dark pieces of me

buried deep inside

don’t ask them to come out and play

shadows lurk