Committing

stairs

Today is the first day, another beginning.  Another way we (I) find myself committing to a list of to do’s, goals, aspirations and intentions.  And sometime along the way, I get lost.  I forget.  Get to busy living life.  Yet, I am not really living am I.  I get too busy going through the motions and forget everything I mapped to accomplish.  I want to say this year is different.  That I have a system in place.  That feels clique. Old.  Warn out.  As if I have heard it before.  Because I have.  That is not going to stop me.  I am committing.  Committing to writing.  To creating.  To making a difference.  One day at a time.  One step at time.  Here’s to new starts.  Here’s to hope!

What will you commit to doing this year?

Rambling failure and flight

The flux of energy. The desire to create. To do nothing. It ebbs and flows. Leaving me feeling vulnerable and exposed. I am not sure what to do. I feel like I have to do something. Create something. Get clients. So I sit and stare at my screen. Check social media. I want to create something. I scroll through my writing. I am uninspired and stuck. Feel like I am sinking. Slowly without a life vest or anyone to rescue me. I feel like time it ticking. Ticking away in my ear. The voices scream in my head. Create something. Make something. Sell something. Get off your ass, get going. Share your ideas with the world. Stop procrastinating. Stop pretending. Stop stalling. Don’t they see that I am empty? That I have lost my voice. My ideas. My will to share. My everything. Time is tickling. Ego is counting. What do I have to show? Nothing. What am I? Nothing. Get clients. Network. Market. I have done so much of that that I want to give up. Feel like I have sold my soul. And still no movement. Consult my intuition. My cards. Change is coming. Release. If I release anymore, I am afraid I will be nothing. I will disappear. Maybe I have to disappear to find myself? Maybe I have to disappear, to die, to be reborn? I am willing. I am ready. I am stuck. Nothingness is invading my body, my soul. I am slipping away into depression. Into the blackness. The ideas that I cannot, will not achieve my dreams, that I am unworthy. Who wants to listen to me anyways? The spark trying to stay lit. The spark trying to grow brighter. The ideas waiting to be birthed. And I stop. I sit. I distract. I pretend. I ignore. I am lost. I am fading. I am drowning. I am drifting. Why can’t I? Why won’t I? My ideas stop and I die. My ideas fade and I disappear. Where am I going? Who am I? Where is the light? Trust they say. Ride the waves. Pray. Take space. Solitude. Serenity. Surrender. Why do I fight this? Why do I challenge? I release I release I release. Burn it in the fire. Give it to the wind. Let the waves wash over me. Feel the sunshine. Bask in life’s glory. Look at the stars. Sit in nature. Pick myself up. Collect my thoughts, pick of the pieces, feed the fire and start over again.

whisper part 2

It was like a long lost friend. This whisper. The whisper that promised her the world. How could she refuse. The years of suffering. The years of pain. It promised her the one thing she couldn’t achieve on her own. Relief. She dreamt of relief. Contemplated suicide. A way out. She hated herself for being too weak to take easy way out. She lived with her demons. They never left her. And now, there was a whisper of hope. An escape. Anything to get away from the way she felt.

Tired of numbing the pain. Hiding from it was futile. It always caught her.

Living Dream

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The room starts to spin

images come alive

I close my eyes

Melt into the music

Tones breath

I taste the textures

Smell the vibrancy

Even in my mind

the world is spinning

Images come alive

imagination runs wild

lines blurred

crossed

no sense of reality or dream

I live in both worlds

merged into one

my reality imagination

dream reality

doesn’t matter

what i see

feel

hear

experience

real or imagined

it’s all the same

breathing

bleeding

alive

Hand in the Ground

tagline

angel 5

I think it’s time to change my tagline.  When I started blogging I had visions of being a sci fi, horror and fantasy writer.  I still do.  Reality check.  I write from the heart.  What I feel and where my imagination takes me.  Yes, sometimes it is dark and scary in my mind.  My fantasy, the horrors I can dream up.  However, I also write about life and experience.  It’s time to retire my tagline.  Thank you tagline you have served me well.  Here’s to the future and new tagline!  RIP- Mistress of the Macabre, Siren of Sci Fi and Femme Fatale of Fantasy.

building 2

Dreams of Past

dreaming

Dreaming of you always unnerves me

Upon waking I still feel your presence

As if you are still here

A longing, a missing, a sadness

A joy and a happiness

that at least I am visited

at least I am with you

when I sleep

Soul traveling

I have no doubt we are connected

Lifetime upon lifetime

Thank you for visiting

If it is only still while I sleep

And just so you know

and you remember

I remember you

I think of you

I miss you too

and yes I still love you

Chasing Dreams

heart

When chasing dreams

we have many

people who challenge us

and

CHEER for us

on our way…………………………………….

Those who remind us

that our DREAM is worth PURSUING no matter what

that the dream is ALIVE and of course

you don’t know until you TRY

and give it

EVERYTHING

(exhausted, tired, hopeless, frustrated, terror seep into your mind, trying to steer)

Those who point out

the FLAWS that hold us in place

that STOP us on our path

point out the ObStAcLeS

and how HARD and DIFFICULT it’s going to be

We know this, we are there.  Fighting those thoughts

that keep

creeping in

Then there are those who

CHEER us on BLINDLY

for they believe in us

they support us

WHOLE HEARTEDLY

Then there are those who

trick us

make us question the dream

it’s validity

it’s potential

and encourage us to take the safer road

I give thanks to all who have come with me on my path, as I stepped into uncertainty and question myself.  Thank you for seeing and believing in the dream, and for those who didn’t thank you for not believing.  To the believers, thank you for believing in me and reminding me that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is POSSIBLE.  And a dream worth dreaming is a dream worth fighting for!

dream catcher

Image

Vacation Lifestyle

San Diego, CA

Hello wordpress!  I have missed you!  I am back from vacation.  Hoping to post Vegas pictures later today.  I am back at work, with dread and woe.  My vacation has caused me to realize that I desire that sort of lifestyle.  Not the Vegas life but the vacation life.  Waking up when I want.  Going to bed when I want.  Spending my day doing what I want.  Not feeling forced or dread to do things. I want that excitement of looking forward to the adventure that each day brings.  Days spent with people, lost in meaningful conversations, doing deep and meaningful work.  Helping people move the mountains in their lives.  Days lost in writing and creativity.  Leisure walks in nature.  Enjoying each and every moment.  Being in the now.  Why is it so easy to be in the now on vacation and not at home?  It is possible.  People are living their dreams, living in the now, all around the world.  I want this!  I can see these days in my future.  It’s time.  I am on the edge.  I can have the vacation dream life that I so desire and long for.  It’s right there!

Plan B

Tardis journal

I have blogged a couple times about my plan B.  Since it’s the beginning of the New Year, it’s time to start sending the energies to bring it to fruition.  So, here it is, my plan B!

1. Publish two books.  I have written a horror novel, Rejected Revenge, it’s being beta read now.  Can’t wait to finish editing and find a publisher.  I am also going to gather up my poems and put them into a book.

2. Write another book.  I am working on a couple ideas but it time to buckle down on one and get it written.

3. Have a successful and thriving therapy practice.  I’d be happy with 15 clients a week.

4. Finally quit my day job.

5. Read.  I have a long list.  Aiming for a book a month.

6. Make stuff.  I am always pinning cool projects on pinterest, time to make some of them.

7. Take classes.  I love art.  I am aiming to start with poetry and then expand.

8. Have fun and be in the moment, with friends, family and everyone who enters my life!

Why the tardis?  It seems to be a metaphor for 2015.  It’s a journal and it’s the tardis.  It’s about expanding, growing, reaching beyond myself to grow and help others grow and heal.  Plus my favorite quote is from Doctor 11, “I am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far flung hopes and the dreamer of impossible dreams.”  Think this a great quote to guide the year.

What’s your plan for 2015?