And I am feeling lost. Staring at my computer. The words have left, taken their ball and gone home. And here I sit and stare. This is nothing new. All writers know this. And I feel the push, the drive to create something brilliant and insecurity that simmers under the surface saying, “it will be crap.” And so I sit and stare. Lost in my circle. Create. I can’t. I have to. It’ll suck. Time slowly ticking. And I sit and stare. All the characters that I danced with yesterday, even during breakfast, have moved on with their day, gone to their jobs, met their lovers at seedy hotels, boarded airplanes for paradise. And I sit and stare. Tick tock goes the clock. Eyes fade and the screen is a blur of white like staring into the sun. Trying to fight time, like a boxer trying to get the last punch in before the bell. Trying to find inspiration, like an artist sees the world. I look over my outlines. Over my ideas. My list of projects. And nothing comes. Time has stopped like watching the clock on the last of day of school before summer vacation. Eternity has set in. My mind wanders like a leaf in the wind. My creative gone and forgotten like a prisoner on death row. So, I sit and stare. Force myself to wait. To be patient. Like a child waiting for mailman. Like a dog waiting for dinner. Like people waiting for the bus. I know it will come. I just have to wait. Patiently.
I have wrestled with this blog. Her purpose. For you see it has changed. It started as a venue for me to stretch and grow as a writer, which she still is. However, I realize this blog is the home of my shadow.
Here dwells my darkness. My fears. Insecurities. The things I hid under the floor board or tuck away in the closet.
Here my demons are allowed to run free. To create chaos. To be seen and heard.
Here lives my shadow, free to express it’s self. To be part of me.
Today is the first day, another beginning. Another way we (I) find myself committing to a list of to do’s, goals, aspirations and intentions. And sometime along the way, I get lost. I forget. Get to busy living life. Yet, I am not really living am I. I get too busy going through the motions and forget everything I mapped to accomplish. I want to say this year is different. That I have a system in place. That feels clique. Old. Warn out. As if I have heard it before. Because I have. That is not going to stop me. I am committing. Committing to writing. To creating. To making a difference. One day at a time. One step at time. Here’s to new starts. Here’s to hope!
Who better than a writer to create a poetic inspirational New Year wish. I couldn’t have said it better, so in the words of Neil Gaiman, I wish you in the coming year…
“Be kind to yourself in the year ahead.
Remember to forgive yourself, and to forgive others. It’s too easy to be outraged these days, so much harder to change things, to reach out, to understand.
Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin.
Meet new people and talk to them. Make new things and show them to people who might enjoy them.
Hug too much. Smile too much. And, when you can, love.”
It was like a long lost friend. This whisper. The whisper that promised her the world. How could she refuse. The years of suffering. The years of pain. It promised her the one thing she couldn’t achieve on her own. Relief. She dreamt of relief. Contemplated suicide. A way out. She hated herself for being too weak to take easy way out. She lived with her demons. They never left her. And now, there was a whisper of hope. An escape. Anything to get away from the way she felt.
Tired of numbing the pain. Hiding from it was futile. It always caught her.
Write yourself alive prompt: A day in life of you and you are a superhero.
I am a superhero. No, really I am. I look like everyone else. But I am special. We are all special, however, I am just a bit more special. I am like Selina Kyle and Jean Grey, with a touch of Adalind Shade. What? You don’t read comics or watch Grimm? Never heard of Batman or X Men. Don’t blame you, not a bat fan either. But come on the X Men? Okay, okay. Let me break it down for you. It goes like this. I care about the less fortunate. I am modern day Robin Hood. However, I also like pretty shiny things. The more sparkle the better. Can you blame me? I am also quiet and unassuming. Slinking around unnoticed, unless I want something, then I can be sweet and loving. Like your cat, meow. Anyways, I can also manipulate objects and people with my mind. Okay, I can move objects with my mind and read people’s minds. Pretty cool, huh? It comes in handy and helps in my line of work, being a superhero and all. I am also pretty goddamn strong, even though I don’t look like it. I wouldn’t mess with me, you know the old saying, “dynamite comes in small packages.” Oh, yeah, the questions. Silly me, now. What does a typical day look like for me? Just the usually stuff helping people solve their problems and better themselves. Making sure the bad guys don’t win. Typical superhero type stuff. My cover? Well me. No one knows my secret, except you now. But it’s all good. I trust you. Maybe. My kryptonite? Now, why would I tell you that? You’ve got to be kiddy, right? Tell you and you could be my down fall. I think if you read between the lines you can figure it out. But you’ll have to find me first to use it against me and why would you? I’m on your side. Fighting the good fight. Anyways, I have people save. Take care lovelies.