Dear Dad

Hey Dad,

I can’t believe it has been 8 years.  Can you?  Do you even have time where you are?  Well, I miss you like hell!  Today is the day of the year, every year for the last 8 years I am reminded that you left.  Suddenly, tragically and all alone.  That breaks my heart.  But I know you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.  You didn’t want to die of illness, sickness or disease.  You fought aging.  You hated it.  Your body breaking down, becoming weaker.  You didn’t want to burden your children. You wouldn’t have been a burden.

On the bright side.  Your daughters are talking again.  We have a relationship.  Not a close as we were but we talk and email and we are in each others’ lives.  Her children are beautiful.  She is an amazing photographer.  One of her pictures is going to be displayed!  I need to see her more.  It’s important.  She is even going to take pictures for me and my business partner.  How cool is that?  Oh, I didn’t mention, her and her family are in Colorado now.  But I have a feeling you knew that.

Your eldest grandchild is amazing.  She is 21 now!  She trying to find her voice and herself.  I know when she does she will move mountains.  But we’ve always know that about her.

Well, I just wanted to say hi and i miss you terribly.

love you!

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Haiku- Little Old Lady

Little old lady

singing, dancing, cooking, love

warms my heart and soul

Third Times a Charm

There it was

staring back at me

flashing back

to you, to us

I stood and stared

stuck

laughter rings in my ears

screaming in my head

your eyes

his smle

family gone

scattered and fragmented

love lost

two pieces

you and me

we tore him apart

you and me

couldn’t even agree to disagree

there it is staring back at me

years lost and wasted

in his life

we never

we couldn’t

too proud

too selfish

failed attempts

fueled by blame

both the victim

neither the assilant

never in his life

it stares back at me

happy memories

a time lost forever

life is too short

stop planning

starting living

savor the moments

there it is staring back a me

a piece of you

a piece of him

a piece of me

there it is staring back at me

the empty picture frame

Something Found

hearts

I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore
And then I cried some more
I was lost
My world was a foggy haze
I was empty

Then I heard your voice

That old familiar voice
That voice I use to call friend
Sister
It had been years
Too many
He use to say, “It would be his death that brought us back together”
Too bad he was right
It has been a long road
A difficult road
Full of pain
Regret
Rebuilding the broken fences
That day he died, I found my sister again

The House I Lived in When I Was 12

The house I lived in when I was 12.  That was the summer my parents divorced. When I still played with Barbie’s. I learned food could stop the pain. If only temporarily. I waited for my mad man in a blue box. For the Goonies. I got lost in New Order. Nine Inch Nails and Ziggy Stardust. Where I turned to my imagination to hid from the realities of the world. Watched Elvira, Up all Night, B horror movies and low budget science fiction. The house I lived in when I was twelve. Was quiet. It became a house, and half a home.

For My Daughter

My daughter

My daughter

I love you more

than you will ever know

I love you more

than you can ever fathom

At times you have and will again

break my heart

I wouldn’t trade it for the world

There are times that you have pushed me to past my limit

further and farther than I thought I could go

and will again

Thank you

You have made me stronger

As time passes

The definition of relationship ebb and flows

I am grateful

For your presense

Your love

Who you are, were and have yet to become

I love you

Forever and always

Arika

The Meal

Okay, so here it goes.  First off you should know, I am vegan now (which means I don’t eat any animal products-meat or dairy).  Okay, well kind of.  I do my best.  However, I have a horrible sweet tooth.  If I’m craving something sweet, I don’t discriminate.  Don’t judge me, I just can’t help myself.  Yes, I know sugar is bad for me.  Guess I’m addict.

I was not raised vegan, even though my parents were old hippies.  We grew a huge garden.  We raised chickens and rabbits.  Even raised our own Thanksgiving turkeys.   We also didn’t have a lot of money growing up.  I grew up lower middle class in a middle class neighborhood.  Which means I was the kid in hand me downs from my mom’s best friend’s children.  She had three kids, the oldest was ten years older than me.  So, you can imagine my style in the 80’s, it was definitely 70’s. I still have pictures of me in brown bell bottoms and brown plaid shirts.   I didn’t have it the worst, my little sister did, four kids later, yikes!

Oh, my favorite meal.  I can smell it now.  The oil cooking.  Yum.  Since we didn’t have a great deal of money, when my parents wanted steak, they had to get the cheap stuff.  You know, round steak, it’s tough.  I can remember my mom using a hammer to tenderize the meat.  Not a meat tenderizer, a hammer.  My sister and I would jump around in the kitchen, while my mom pounded on the meat.  When my mom made round steak, she always made flat fries.  Thinly sliced potatoes, fried in oil with slices of onion.  We had a special slicer that my mom let use to cut the potatoes.  I would sit on the floor cutting potato after potato.

Dinner time was important to us.  Me, my sister and my parents would sit at the table and eat dinner together.  I miss those family dinners.  The home cooked meals.  Childhood.

mom, aunt and grandmame and sis eating in mexicosis and the jellofamily