Why Can’t I Be You?

light through darkness

“You’re so gorgeous
I’ll do anything
I’ll kiss you from your feet
To where your head begins”1

Played on the radio. She was getting tired. She had been driving all night. Just a little farther she kept telling herself. Almost there. She really wasn’t almost there. She had no idea where there was. All she knew was that she needed to get as far away from him, as she possible could.

“You’re so wonderful
Too good to be true
You make me, make me, make me
Make me hungry for you”2

He had been too good to be true. He had been wonderful. What went wrong? He, that’s what went wrong. Her stomached growled, she was getting hungry. No, she had to keep driving. She couldn’t stop. No matter what. She couldn’t stop.

“Everything you do is simply delicate
Everything you do is quite angelicate
Why can’t I be you? Why can’t I be you?”3

Why couldn’t she be somebody else. Anybody else. She didn’t ask for this. She didn’t want any of this. And how dare he say those things about her. He had no right. He was crazy. That’s what she kept telling herself. He was crazy. He deserved everything he got.

“I’ll run around in circles
‘Til I run out of breath
I’ll eat you all up
Or I’ll just hug you to death”4

He had her running in circles. She wasn’t going to run in circles anymore. She was fed up. she was tired. She was done. Again her stomach growled. No, she couldn’t stop. She looked out the window at the dark night sky. Grey and cloudy. No moon in sight. Where was she? How long had she been driving? Her eyes kept shutting. Her head kept dropping forward and then she jolt awake.  “Next exit, I’ll pull over. Next hotel. I’ll stop. He can’t find me, I’ve gone too far.”

“You’re so wonderful
Too good to be true
You make me, make me, make me
Make me hungry for you”5

That word, hungry. Seemed to make her stomach growl louder. She went to change the station, but this station was the only station coming in. “Fine. Guess this will have to do.”

“Everything you do is simply delicate
Everything you do is quite angelicate
Why can’t I be you? Why can’t I be you?”6

Again her mind wandered.  Her life had been a dream come true. She had fallen in love with the perfect man, wealthy, good looking, and kind. He had promised her the world and he delivered. She had let herself be swept away by the money, the lifestyle, the dream. And now look at her?

“You turn my head when you turn around
You turn the whole world upside down
I’m smitten, I’m bitten, I’m hooked, I’m cooked
I’m stuck like glue”7

She looked down at her hands. They were covered in blood. Looking in the mirror, she saw the blood on her face. She looked down at her clothes, she was covered in blood. “This is his fault.” She told herself. She couldn’t get a room looking like she had just murdered someone. They won’t understand. She pulled the car over to the side of the road. Grabbing her water bottle, she ran to the back of the car. Feverishly trying to wash her hands and face. She threw her jeans in the trunk and grabbed another pair. Found an old sweatshirt in her bag and threw it on. She had done a horrible job of packing. Just grabbing anything and everything. Quickly she got back in car and on the road. She again glanced in the mirror. “Okay,” she told herself. “Just look like I’ve been camping.” The lies never stopped.

“You make me, make me, make me
Make me hungry again”8

Oh how her stomach ached. She needed to eat and she needed to eat soon. Again she looked out the window at the sky. Grey and cloudy. Still no moon in sight. Still pitch black.

“Everything you do is simply dreamy
Everything you do is quite delicious
So why can’t I be you?
Why can’t I be you? Why can’t I be you?”9

She slid into the dirt parking lot of the hotel. “He’ll never think to look for me here. Perfect.” She tried to fix her hair. She put on her lipstick. Grabbed her purse. Once inside she repeatedly rang the service bell. She could hear the same song that was playing in the car, playing off in the background of the lobby.  She bounced in place, kept looking out the window. Her body was ridden with anxiety.

“Why can’t I be you? Why can’t I be you?
Why can’t I be you? Why can’t I be you?”10

“Can I help you?” The unkempt hotel clerk asked. She was disguised by him. Food stains down the front of his shirt. He wrecked of alcohol and cigarettes.
“Yes, I need a room.” She said as she walked over to the window and peered out. Turning around and hitting her hand on the counter top. “Now!”

He smirked at her. “It’ll be $100 cash?”

“Are you serious?” She started to dig through her purse. The clouds started to part the sky. The moonlight illuminated the lobby.

“You’re simply elegant”11

The clerk was sprawled out behind the counter. She howled before she ripped off another bite. “I should have stayed on the road. He should have listened.” Her hunger always got the best of her.

1-11Why Can’t I be You” by the Cure

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